a day late.
Okay, sorry forgot to post this yesterday. Shane and I are having a baby, a boy to be exac t. My due date is September 15. Let me say, first off, before you continue reading, I am so excited about this baby!!! I have always known I would be a mother, that is the number one job God put me on earth for. I can't wait to meet my little man.
It's been a roller coaster of experiences to say the least. First to address the biggest question I'm sure many will ask. We're not married, yet and are not officially engaged yet either. I've prayed a lot about it, and am trying to rely on God to give me peace about that. Having a baby before being married is definitely not how I pictured my family starting, but I am super happy about being a mommy. If I had my way we would be getting married prior to Jack (that's the baby's name) coming, but Shane has really strong feelings about people who get married b/c of a pregnancy. When I listen to him talk about it, it makes perfect logical sense to wait, but when I really think about it, I want exactly what he's saying doesn't make sense.
It's been a real struggle for my parents as well, and that have been really hard onme. My father is basically not speaking to me, and every time my mother and I talk, she asks when we're getting married. It's pretty terrible of them, but I do understand why, every decision I've made or am making about my new little family goes against everything they believe about family and marriage. And in concept and theory, I totally agree with them. I also, realize that there are special circumstances that must be looked at, each situation is unique. (Maybe that's just my justification.) However, it's hard for me to not feel like I'm being treated unfairly or like a child. There biggest concern is the not getting married choice and the Shane and I getting a house together choice. I'm still praying about how to handle that. I never thought I would live with a man before marrying him. I do sleep over at Shane's some, but I still have my own apartment I can go to. I guess that little technicality makes me feel better about it. It does make sense to share a home, it will cost less, we'll be raising the baby together, I'll have help. My parents want me to do it all by myself, basically let Shane see the baby evenings and weekends until we get married, which I am not okay with. However, I've been feeling quite a sense of conviction about the choices that led to this beautiful, but messy situation. I spoke with my mother about it, she was pretty brutal and asked if we hadn't essentially gotten "caught" would I feel this way, and the answer is "I don't know." Our intimacy and living situation, so while I don't want to share a bedroom and a bed with Shane till we're married, I do want to share a home so that we can parent our son together. I know that is a fine line to walk, but what else can I do?
I have faith that Shane and I will be married, sooner rather than later, in the sense that it feels that it will be months rather than years before an engagement and marriage happens. We talk about it and make plans all the time.
Okay, not to vent or ramble on too much. This blog turned much heavier than I intended. I had my ultrasound yesterday, and it was wonderful. He is absolutely perfect. He seems to have big hands and feet and he is definitely not shy, if you know what I mean. I can't wait to meet him.
1 comments:
To say I'm stunned would be an understatement! I know how much you want to be a mom, and there is truly nothing like it! I hope you are feeling well and having an easier time in your 2nd trimester. I pray that you can find some resolution with your parents and get things "figured out" with Shane. Pregnancy and motherhood is hard enough without any extra stuff. Love you, friend.
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